Takedown (1st place) @ metonym 2019

First place :

Tele-Evangelists

My brother renounced Christianity after some uncle on Shalom TV proclaimed that esus Christ’s blood type was AB +ve.

Whether JC really could’ve been a candidate blood donor to me is a aquestion for another time. What amuses me now is how some uncle from some obscure part of Kerala decided that JC was an AB+ve guy . This uncle for those of you who don’t know belongs to a strange species that we know as  the ‘tele-evangelists’.

Tele-evangelists are men (and sometimes,women)who couldn’t be bothered to take the longer route and become priests and instead reek out fame and popularity among some unassuming church goers and through the plethora of christian faith channels.

They are what I like to call grade ‘A’ scammers. Because, not only do they spew abominable facts left and right but they also, inexplicably have old women, men, and reluctant grandchildren swaying to their every word. Tele- evangelists are like snake charmers to the Christian world. Or like the sai- babas of Indian Christians.

Growing up watching Shalom TV, I am well accustomed to their drones and throngs. There, tele-evagelists somehow manage to make a 30 – second prayer draw out to 30 minutes, stretched out and milked until I curse at the TV. In one corner of the crowd, you’ll spot an ammachi violently convulating and orgasming to the tele- evangelistic words and truths.

And I cannot fathom why a man with trousers pulled up to his moobs, shirt buttoned up to his double chin and hands grappling at the air like some pervert would have each an impact on the leddies! I am also familiar with American Tele-evangelists , who with their obnoxiously expensive yeezees and Jordans who preach about the blessed poor for “theirs is the kingdom of God”.

If you ask me, Tele- evangelists are men ( here, I take the liberty in assuming only men are capable of rude fanaticisms) who are confident. Confident in their incompetence. So much so that they use their only boon, the gift of gas (this too of mediocre excellence), to rewrite Christian history and even manage to get paid for it. Imagine a crow that shits in all pride and confidence and a fool on the road who convinces himself that , that crow-shit on his hair is inevitable good – luck. This is the tele- evangelists and his subjects and I am just a christian kid with repressed emotions from childhood trauma shitting on these shitters!

– Nikhita Thomas, 3rd EJP

 

Goblins Munching – on 

When I think of Gobi Manchurian, I think of oily talons and paper plates. Adolescents hunched over and sweaty, fighting over the last piece of “Gobi” and what for? What is the core essence of this priced gobi? Mere cauliflower dipped in sauce stolen from our neighbors; deep fried until it loses any resemblance to the original vegetable. That is the Gobi!

The Gobi Manchurian is a has- been. It aspires to walk among chilly chicken and its other non-veg brethren, yet it stumbles and falls head first into mediocrity. In a world ruled by “vegetarians”, the gobi is a sly fox tantalizing non-vegetarians. The poor non-vegetarians, out of hope, and in pure desperation , buys this dish nay this deception, and awaits the hour of their reckoning.

The gobi manchurian is also an option for a vegetarian right wing, getting bullied by his non-vegetarian friends. It lets them blend in, with the least amount of teasing.

The Gobi Manchurian is many things,but first and foremost,it is deception . It is not a dish. It is a mockery of Indian -copycatchinese cuisine. We have successfully indianised chowmein, chilly chicken andcup noodles. Yet, the gobi, was the secret chemical X, that created the powerpuffgirls of manchurian -namely,

  1. Bubbles – of acidity
  2. Blossom -ing of vegetarian desire to take over the world
  3. Buttercup-s of oil

thus, was created this atrocity

– Sreya Mandal, 2nd CZBT.

 

 

 

 

 

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